Jason's LJ (twilightsshadow) wrote in jimcarroll,
Jason's LJ
twilightsshadow
jimcarroll

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i was hoping someone could critique my writing for me. i hope to have some of my works published (and am working on that). so, please have a quick read and give me any thoughts...thank you..

Ch3. Carolina Nights


lets talk about Carolina nights.

hot, steamy nights where your walking downtown, cobblestone streets, with the hint of the blues in the air. keep walking past those pubs and bars, seedy as they may be. see that girl in the short skirt? i think shes calling my name.

keep walking past all the clubs, towards-towards the water. settle on the dock and watch the Cape Fear river pass you by. think of it as your life, seems just a waste to fight it.

lets talk about us, for a moment.

remember when you held my hand, walking down the pier. stopping just short of the lamp lights, we kissed.

my hands followed those curves of yours...all..the..way..down. you shoved me away, but you liked it. i could tell in your eyes you liked it. the way the lights would dance, intoxicating. i could read upon your lips, as your delightful tongue did a dance of its own.
you wanted..

ruby red.

kissing..

black nails.

scratching..

you stole my breath.

how hard you grabbed my head, engulfing me. you took me inside and flowed within me like that current. smooth, babydoll, smooth. pressing your body to mine, a gentle sway in your hips, you caught onto the music and never let go.

long fingernails ran down my spine, rained down my body, pleasure. short of breath, i could only pull away. immersed in your passion, i was swept away..

all that was sensual and logical combined.

you dropped all the rules.

i was yours.




* * * * * *

(thedayafter..)

left me alone.

there was only a mildewed pillow that lay next to me, 1:16 p.m. your stains still on me, keeping me awake. aware.

you where gone.

you left them there, not bothering to clean up the spill of a heartbreak. typical female. silly girl.

silly girl, but i was the fool played.

i left the 1898 hotel, with its rickety floors and groaning walls. too many ghosts haunt that inn to call it a home. as i left, i held onto the sill of the window by the door. i lingered, hoping that the window would paint a different picture than what i first saw..
through warped glass, i saw..

..rain. children ran with their parents for the shelter of their cars. the cemetery floated. leaves lined the gutters. dirty water falls cascaded down rooftops upon the heads of the hurried. like a dank baptism of the heartbreak, along deep ally ways.

i took of my shirt, no longer dry-no longer of any use. the rain fell heavier now...steadier. but i knew, as the rain ran over the scars you left on my body..

tonight is another night.

a Carolina night.

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Pretty good, reminds me a bit of charles bukowski or leonard cohen...kinda beat with a rawness to it that's hard to find nowadays. In other words, me like! = )